It's so hard to believe it has been a year since we said goodbye to our precious little boy. We have been through a lot in this one year and have grown more than we could have imagined. The memories and thoughts are still so vivid. I remember thinking how in the world am I going to handle all this grief and loneliness. But I am happy to say I have overcome the hardest part of grief with God's help, love and understanding. I still have my days and miss Landon very much. Every time I see a baby boy I automatically think of Landon and what he would have looked like and been like. I wonder how Van and Landon's relationship as brothers would have been. I am still very sad we had to say goodbye but I know that Landon is in a better place and I know I will spend eternity with him!
In deciding what we would do for Landon's one year we had to take into consideration on how this would affect Van. When we came home a year ago and there was no more baby we had to explain the loss of Landon the best way we knew how to to a 3 year old. He knew that Landon was born to early and he had to go be with Jesus. He was okay with that explanation until the loss of our dog Sophie in August. Sophie was his playmate and best friend! This is when everything changed. Van was very upset and didn't understand why Sophie had to go be with Jesus also. I was already very sad for losing Sophie, (I had her for 15 years) but as a mother I was also very sad that once again we had to talk about death to our 3 year old. Death is such a big word to comprehend; even I have a hard time understanding the whys from it. Van cried many days about Sophie not being here with him and kept asking questions about Heaven. Now with the loss of Sophie he started to ask questions about Landon again.
I can't tell you how many nights I cried to God on how to explain death to Van and for him to understand it. These past 4 weeks have been pretty rough. He has asked so many questions and would cry out of the blue and say he wasn't ready to go to Heaven. He is also having a hard time understanding what is going to happen to Eva. He will ask if she is coming home or if Jesus will take her also. How do you answer that? It's been hard but God is giving us the strength and we continue to ask for the right words at the right time.
So with that being said, Travis and I celebrated Landon's one year Heavenly birthday tonight, just the two of us. We have come such a long way in this one year. I am proud of ourselves and proud we made it through the hardest parts holding onto one another and God's love. We have been each others rock! We are thankful for Landon! Even though Landon was only here for a short time he has changed our lives forever and taught us how precious life really is. I am honored to be his Mommy!
We have never shared all the pictures we took of Landon with us and our family. Here is a slide show I did in memory of him for his one year.
We miss and love you our dear little one! (Stop the music below before viewing video)
On Giving Thanks in the Thick of It
1 year ago