Monday, November 15, 2010

35 Weeks!!

Once again I have lacked on the updates! Eva is doing great and weighs over 5lbs!! We went and had the 3d ultrasounds done and of course Eva didn't really want us to see her. What we saw of her she looks like her Momma with those chunky cheeks! We were told she has hair- thank goodness all this heartburn has been for something!

So the Cerclage was planned to come out on Friday but I had to go in today for some complications and Dr.C went ahead and took it out today. Wow! Yes it was very painful!! And Yes I know it was worth it all but I can still share how painful it was and still is!! Now we are one more step closer to meeting Eva! We are just waiting on her and God's timing for her arrival! I can't believe it is almost time! I'm so filled with emotions. I'm so excited about Eva and seeing her but also I am dealing with the feelings of grief with Landon. They hit out of no where. The closer I get the more that I miss him. I know in the delivery room I am going to be an emotional reck. I'm going back to the place where I lost my son but yet I'm going there to bring new life into the world. So many people have made comments that Eva will be fine and deep down I do feel the same way, but what some people don't understand is that was said to me before and it wasn't fine. I know how fast life can be taken away once it is given to you. These are feelings that I just have to pray my way through.

Thank you for all of you who have prayed for Eva and I! We are almost there! I imagine the next post on here will be that she has arrived!! Can't wait to show her off to all of you!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Baby Girl Update!

Everything is going good...Praise God!! I keep having blood pressure problems but there has been no protein found in my urine which is really good! At my 28 week ultrasound she weighed 3.3 lbs!!! I could not believe how cute she was on the u/s screen! She was moving all over the place. You could almost see what she really looks like. The u/s tech tried to get several pictures but we have a very active little girl and she was moving too fast which made most of our pictures blury. But I can handle that!! Here is the profile shot...I think she looks like her mommy!! :)

At my 29 week appt. my bp was still alittle high. I started having Braxton Hicks contractions the other night. Talking about scary! I watched the clock for hours and kept moving around. They never got any closer than 20 min apart and then they stopped. I wouldn't be so worried but remember by cervix is sewed SHUT! So if she decides to come while my stitches are in...well, I don't even want to talk about the pain I will go through and that will be the end of my cervix. So yeah I am alittle worried. Anytime I start having heavy pain out of the ordinary I start praying. Praying that she doesn't come or if she is coming I can make it to the hospital in time to have the stitches removed!

Many people have asked when is she coming...well that is a good question! We want her to stay in until the end and that is what we are praying for. But from here on out my cervix will be checked almost weekly, if any changes are noticed then the stitches will come out and then we will just wait on little Eva to come! Also if they find high protein in my urine due to my high blood pressure then it will be time for her to come out. Last week I was put on another bp med. This one helps with bp and also for preterm labor contractions and I am still getting the weekly progesterone shots. My hips look awful and brusied from so many shots...but oh well..she is oh so worth it ALL!!! My doctor and I have joked that after all these meds I may have to be induced!! Wouldn't that be funny!

I can't thank God enough for getting me this far through this pregnancy. It hasn't been easy and there has been many restless nights praying through my fears and worries but I know when I see her face it will all be worth it. I deal with a lot of my emotions by talking with or reading about other Moms who have been in the same place that I am. Eva is concidered a "rainbow baby". Rainbow babies are babies conceived and born after a loss. There will always be pain, but there will also always be joy that follows it, just like the rainbow after the rain. Sometimes it appears right away, and sometimes we have to wait a while to see it. It has been a long, rough storm, and I’m looking forward to seeing a rainbow! It is so fitting for us. Everytime I see a rainbow it reminds of our precious Landon. After his funeral, while we were heading back to my paretns house to visit with friends and family, there was the most beautiful rainbow! When I saw that rainbow I knew then it was God's promise to me, that He hadn't forgot about us. I feel like Eva Faith is our rainbow in this rough storm that has lasted over 6 years battling with many years of infertility and infant loss. I can't wait to see her face, watch her take her first breathe, and hear her amazing first cry! Keep praying for us! We have 9 weeks and 3 days until my due date...not like I am counting or anything! :)


Friday, September 17, 2010

Landon's One Year Heavenly Birthday - September 17th

It's so hard to believe it has been a year since we said goodbye to our precious little boy. We have been through a lot in this one year and have grown more than we could have imagined. The memories and thoughts are still so vivid. I remember thinking how in the world am I going to handle all this grief and loneliness. But I am happy to say I have overcome the hardest part of grief with God's help, love and understanding. I still have my days and miss Landon very much. Every time I see a baby boy I automatically think of Landon and what he would have looked like and been like. I wonder how Van and Landon's relationship as brothers would have been. I am still very sad we had to say goodbye but I know that Landon is in a better place and I know I will spend eternity with him!

In deciding what we would do for Landon's one year we had to take into consideration on how this would affect Van. When we came home a year ago and there was no more baby we had to explain the loss of Landon the best way we knew how to to a 3 year old. He knew that Landon was born to early and he had to go be with Jesus. He was okay with that explanation until the loss of our dog Sophie in August. Sophie was his playmate and best friend! This is when everything changed. Van was very upset and didn't understand why Sophie had to go be with Jesus also. I was already very sad for losing Sophie, (I had her for 15 years) but as a mother I was also very sad that once again we had to talk about death to our 3 year old. Death is such a big word to comprehend; even I have a hard time understanding the whys from it. Van cried many days about Sophie not being here with him and kept asking questions about Heaven. Now with the loss of Sophie he started to ask questions about Landon again.

I can't tell you how many nights I cried to God on how to explain death to Van  and for him to understand it. These past 4 weeks have been pretty rough. He has asked so many questions and would cry out of the blue and say he wasn't ready to go to Heaven. He is also having a hard time understanding what is going to happen to Eva. He will ask if she is coming home or if Jesus will take her also. How do you answer that? It's been hard but God is giving us the strength and we continue to ask for the right words at the right time.

So with that being said, Travis and I celebrated Landon's one year Heavenly birthday tonight, just the two of us. We have come such a long way in this one year. I am proud of ourselves and proud we made it through the hardest parts holding onto one another and God's love. We have been each others rock! We are thankful for Landon! Even though Landon was only here for a short time he has changed our lives forever and taught us how precious life really is. I am honored to be his Mommy! 

We have never shared all the pictures we took of Landon with us and our family. Here is a slide show I did in memory of him for his one year. 

We miss and love you our dear little one! (Stop the music below before viewing video)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Happy Birthday My Sweet Van!

Wow! Time has flown so fast and I can't believe my baby boy is 4! He is so big but will always be my baby. When I look at my sweet Van's face I can see God's promises and love for us! He has been such an answered prayer by us and many others around us. I can't imagine my life without him. At first I didn't understand the many years of infertility but right when I saw our baby boy's face and held his sweet body I knew it was all worth it! God is good! We are so proud to be his parents and never want to take his life for granted. We are so blessed as a family! This is a video from the time we meet our precious son up to now... enjoy! (You will need to turn music off to this page before viewing slide show.)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

24 Week Appointment

I had my 24 week check up today (I am 24 weeks & 4 days). These past couple of days I have been in more pain than what I normally am, so I was ready to get to the doc. Little Eva Faith has been kicking constantly at my cervix for the past few days. In "normal" pregnant women that would be uncomfortable but in me it is very uncomfortable! I am already in pain down there without the kicks so with the kicks I can hardly walk some days. So I was relieved today when Dr.C said the cervix still looks good and is staying pretty well closed. I am loving all the kicking! I guess if that is where she wants to kick then I can deal with it as long as she isn't trying to kick her way out!  I do ask her if she could move and kick somewhere else- she hasn't listened yet...but I know she will soon! *fingers crossed*

Okay so the bad part about my appointment is I have very high blood pressure. It has been a little high but now it is getting way high...I mean very high! They took it three times and the scores were...190/96...193/118....and then again 196/98!! Yeah I know..*GASP*!! So we are believing God will heal this and these meds will help that Dr. C gave me. I go back in a week and see if it has gone down. I am trying not to be worried but as a mother I want to protect and keep my little girl safe. Please pray for Eva's safety and that the meds work!                                                                                                 

Friday, August 27, 2010 Update!

I haven't updated in awhile- you would think I would be better about this since I am on bed rest but...I'm not. Travis got a job!! Amen to answered prayers!!! (The plant he worked for shut down in March) I can't get over how God has taken care of us during these past 5 months that we were both out of work. I am so glad at how everything worked out because he was able to be with me during the hardest parts of pregnancy and my surgery. God knows perfect timing!

It's unbelievable that I have been on bed rest for over 8 weeks. Time has gone quickly until now. These past couple of days have been so slow. I will be 24 weeks pregnant on Sunday. That is when I gave birth to Landon. It seems like yesterday that he was here and gone. Even though I am pregnant and things are going good it doesn't fill the hole that Landon left in my heart. I still dream about him and wonder what and who he would have been like. I miss him! I know when Eva Faith gets here I will try to find Landon's face in hers and wonder if they would have been alike. It's hard to believe his Heavenly 1 year birthday is coming up Sept. 17th. It seems like yesterday I had to say goodbye.

When we found out we were having a precious girl I had to clean out the nursery. It was very bitter sweet. I was happy to fill it with pink but it was so hard to say goodbye to all the blue. We always kept that door shut. It was "that room" I didn't like to go in. It was such a sad reminder that none of our boys have come home to us. It took the whole night to go through everything. I shed many tears. It was very emotional. It was like the final goodbye to my boys. I was able to give the stuff to 2 good friends that just had baby boys. So I was happy to give them the items so they could use them.

We have been working on the nursery. The pink is moving in! Being on bed rest it has been slowly but surely. I have been ordering stuff online and ran into Hobby Lobby very quickly and picked up some items! I am excited to see the end outcome! I wanted to work on it early and get most of it done while I can get up and move around some. Don't really know what is to come with this bed rest thing. Plus I wanted to enjoy getting her room ready.

 Sometimes with "baby loss mommas" it takes awhile to accept the baby and to truly allow yourself to fully love the baby you are carrying because of fear. I knew I didn't want that to happen and in the beginning I fought that battle. That is one of the reasons we had her name so quickly and the other was it was just perfect for her! We wanted her to be real to us by name. We bought a heart monitor so we could bond with her and feel that connection. That helped and yes I did listen to her almost every night for awhile! I also have bought her several things, well okay many many items but this is another way that helps me feel like she will be coming home. My advise to other moms that are in my shoes is do what you want that helps you during your pregnancy. Don't listen to what everyone else says you should or should not do. It is time for you to think about you and your baby and what will help you during this scary but joyous time. Nothing can explain the feelings and emotions you will feel during all of this. I sure can't at times!

The actual pregnancy part is going good. I am still in pain everyday due to them stitching a nerve into my cerclage. I am learning to deal with it. If I lay down I don't feel it as bad, but to sit up, stand and walk it is constant pain. I only take pain pills when I go out on my "outing days" and if I hurt so bad I can't stand it at home. I get my weekly progesterone shots. Haven't had that many side affects with those. Just the injection sites are very sore and I sweat like crazy!! If you come to my house I will have the fan on high and a box fan on! The box fan goes with me room to room and I also take cold showers! But I think it is all worth it!! Every time I feel her kick and move it brings me great joy. She is a crazy little thing and I love it. I just don't know when she sleeps! I wish I could train her now on her days and nights because she sure has them confused!

I go for my 24 week check-up on Wed. of next week. It will be an emotional but good visit. I delivered Landon 2 days before what was to be my 24 week check-up. I will update after that appointment and hopefully we will have more pics of little Eva Faith!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Baby Girl Albert's Name!

So when we first got pregnant we started thinking of names. This time with names we thought more about the meanings of them. So the first name we picked out for a little girl could not have fit any better. We were waiting to see if there might be another name before we share, but every time we think of her or pray for her this name sticks! 

so, we are naming our sweet little girl....

Eva means "gift of life" and we have Faith that she will be alive in our arms!!

Now when you pray for our sweet little girl you can pray for her by name! God has given us another great gift and we are so thankful for her!


IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

We are so excited to announce that we are having a GIRL!! I think we are still in shock. This pregnancy has been different than the other 2. I have been a lot sicker but I am embracing it and wouldn't change it! When we did the gender US with Landon it took almost an hour because he would not show us anything. I prayed the night before that would not happen with this one. The sweet lady at First Glimpse fit me in because she knew I wanted to find out before my surgery.

I was so excited to find out that I could not sleep the night before and for some reason I was so nervous!

So we started the US and of course our little bundle of joy had her legs crossed! But after a bottle of water and lots of poking and rubbing the belly- she moved and showed us her glory! The sweet lady told Van and then Van told us "I'm having a Sister!" Tears flooded my eyes! I was so excited! And then Van pushed the big blue button and turned off the sonogram machine!! Ha!

We would have been happy with whatever God blessed us with but I think God knew it needed to be a girl. To be honest I was really worried how I would have reacted if it was a boy. I would have been happy but I think I would have felt like I was replacing Landon. We have lost so many boys in our past that I was worried I would have put that baby boy in that category. Some of you may think how could you do that but after so much loss your mind and emotions start to do things to protect you. God knew we needed a change, God knew exactly what He was doing and I am so thankful for that!

So without further a due here is our Sweet baby GIRL!!!

Baby Update!

We went to the doctor this past Tuesday and found out that the Cerclage (stitching of the cervix) is back on the table. The specialist and my doc went back over everything and feel that it would be better if I did have it done. We lost our first baby - at 17 weeks, so the surgery was planned very quickly to place it in my 17th week and no later. I was shocked at the news and a little confused. The specialist explained all the complications that could happen if they placed it with me being diagnosed with Preterm Labor. And now they want to do the procedure! They were honest and said they really could not tell if my early delivers were due to incompetence cervix or preterm labor. So I am getting treatments for both. I started the weekly progestrone shots this week also, they reduce my chance of preterm labor by 30%. Another reason they want to go ahead and stitch my cervix while I have not dilated or have shown any signs of preterm labor is it is safer to do it now than have to do a "rescue cerclage". That is when I start to show signs of labor they place the cerclage then. This causes a high risk of infection- which is not good.

The Cerlcage is planned for Monday morning. I need prayers for my nerves and for the recovery. Pray no infection happens- if that happens it could cause me to go into labor. I can not imagine losing another baby. I pray every morning that my body stays strong and that this isn't the last day I have with my precious baby. This journey has been a huge emotional roller coster but God does give me peace when I allow Him too. To receive anything from God you have to be open to it and fight the devil out of your thoughts and emotions. The devil is powerful but I know my God is bigger than it all!

I will be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy-wow! I knew it would come but when it is really here it makes me nervous! I have been on semi-bed rest for awhile now. Right after my surgery I will be only leaving the house to go to the doctors. After that we will be playing it by ear with the docs. I am due December 19th. Pray I make it to term! Thanks for every one's prayers and continue to pray for me and baby!!


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Progress on Baby Albert

I am 11 1/2 weeks as of now. I have been to the doctor already many many times. Baby is growing and doing good. Baby A gave us a scare last Wed. We went to the doctors right away and did an US. Baby A is so high right now it is pressing on my bladder and other organs causing pain and discomfort. As long as the baby is okay I am fine, I can deal with it!

Well, today we meet with the high risk doctor. It has been talked about since the follow up after we lost Landon that with the next pregnancy I would have my cervix stitched. So we thought we were walking in there to get the surgery date and the when and where. I never realized what a security that was to me until today when we heard the words "I'm not going to stitch your cervix." I felt like my security and safety was being ripped away from me. He diagnosed me as someone with "Preterm Labor" not faulty cervix. So with that being said there really is no treatment except for weekly shots, which I already knew I was getting those.

Preterm Labor is worse because they never really know what causes me or when to go into labor. I feel like we are back to square one with really no answers or help. I am so crushed! Anything can cause me to go into labor and I have to be the one to catch it....I didn't with the last 2 so how is this going to work. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb with a baby. If I do start to go into labor, they have to catch it before I get to 4cm dilated to save the baby. After that there is no stopping it. Wow! So how scary is that...I thought this pregnancy would be different. I thought they would stitch me up to keep the baby safe and sound wait 7 more months then unstitch me and have a baby. Now that's not the case. All my safety has been stripped. Every time I feel any kind of pain or discomfort I have to go to the doctor right away. Those of you who have been pregnant know discomfort and slight pain comes with the course. So how do you distinguished between them before it is to late for me and our baby.

I know God is bigger than ALL of this and I know that He does miracles. I have seen them and have heard about them. So we pray he works a miracle here! I have cried almost all day and the tears won't stop. I didn't know how devastating this news would be and how hard this would be. The devil has put so much fear into me today that I pray God takes it away and I allow Him too. I need peace right now. We just didn't expect any of this today and are still in shock. We need lots of prayers for peace, knowledge and understanding. This journey will test our faith in so many ways!

So with that all being said here is our precious baby that needs all the prayers! We watched Baby A move and wiggle today in my belly, such a great moment. I fall more and more in love every time I see our baby! The pics aren't the greatest, sorry!

Baby A at 8 weeks!

Baby A at 10 1/2 weeks!

Baby A at 11 1/2 weeks!
Sweet profile shot!

Monday, May 10, 2010

We're Pregnant....Again!

Yes you read right, We are Pregnant Again! It is so hard to believe that we tried for years to get pregnant and it never happened. At the time we were very disappointed and discouraged, but once we adopted Van we saw God's perfect plan for our family. Everything fell into place. The love for a child that we wanted to share came to light. We could not imagine our lives without Van. To be honest those long years of infertility and the long nights of crying and hurting went away once we saw his perfect face. I am so amazed at how God works!

So here is to another season that we are clinging to God to show us his prefect plan for our family. Being pregnant for the 3rd time is a miracle and blessing in itself but knowing I have no living children from the other pregnancies breaks my heart. Even though things have not turned out the way we thought, we still hold onto God's word. I still believe He answers prayers and knows the desires of our heart.

This Mother's Day was very strange for me. I really didn't know how to feel or what to feel. We went and visited Landon's grave this morning. It is so peaceful but heart wrenching out there. I prayed over all the Momma's that were celebrating Mother's Day without their babies to hold. It seems like as much as I go out there I would be use to going to a burial plot but I'm not. It still hurts and I always ask myself, "is this really my life?"  But once I saw Van's sweet face at my mom's house (he had to spend the night there sat. night)  it made a lot of my sorrow go away. I will always have a large hole in my heart for my babies who are not in my arms but Van does fill the rest of it up. He is such a big ball of happy energy and I thank God for him all the time! Even though no one spoke of Landon's name today, I thought about him all day and how much I miss him.

It is so hard to believe we are on our 5th child but we are still just trying for the 2nd child. That is just crazy to us. We are so believing and have faith in our God that he knows the right path for our new baby! This baby is in God's hands!

This is our prayer for our new miracle and I ask that you are in agreement with us.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for blessing us with another miracle. We ask that you put a hedge of protection over our baby and our family. We ask that you let this baby grow and function the way you intended for creation to be. We ask for a full term baby. We ask for a strong cervix to hold this precious miracle growing inside.  We ask for healing in my body.We ask that you take away our fears and let us enjoy being pregnant. We ask for wise doctors and staff. We ask that you settle my nerves and accept the fact that I am pregnant again. That I embrace this baby as if it was my first pregnancy. That you give us peace and hope during these months. That you surround us with loving and strong prayer warriors for this baby and our family. That you supply helpers when we might need help. God we just ask that your Will be done during this pregnancy and the walk with you. We cling to you and your Word. It says that when there are 2 or more gathered it shall be done. We so believe your Word and have faith that we will be holding a healthy full term baby the second week of December. Thank you Heavenly Father for letting us be parents to so many children in our hearts! We love you.                  

I also want to ask that anytime you think of us and our baby that you say a pray for us! We need as many prayers as we can get! I will keep you posted on the growth of our precious baby and the processes we are going through.

Thank you so much for reading this and caring for our family! It's been a long journey so far but we are looking forward to this new journey that we are on!


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Project Landon

 I am so excited to announce Project Landon! My sister, Landon's Auntie, really got the ball rolling! I knew I wanted to do something in memory of my son but in these past few months all I have been trying to do is get my feet back on the ground. With God's help and his amazing grace I am getting through this with such amazement even to myself!

I remember I was driving home from Macon when Ginger called me. We were just talking about some things and then she told me about what she was thinking. She told me about her idea with Project Landon. The call went silent and I just cried. First thing, hearing Landon's name come out of someone else's mouth is music to my ears! Not to many people talk about him because they are scared they will hurt me or affraid of what reaction they will get. Well, I love when people talk about my baby, he will always be alive in my heart! Second thing, I loved that she too wanted to help others in the memory of our sweet Landon! What a sweet sister I have! I loved the idea and that is how Project Landon came about! It came from a mother's love and an Auntie's love!

I am so excited about this ministry we are about to embark on! I pray that God guides us and leads us to the people who need a little hope in their lives. During this journey you feel like your life has just totally fallen apart but with God's love and the love ones around, you slowly rebuild. Thank you to everyone who wants to be apart! It means the world to me!! I love you my sweet and dear sister, you are the greatest!
Even if you can't sew or knit, you can still help! To get detailed info about Project Landon click here to go to the blog.

Thank you,

Thursday, January 28, 2010

What do you do when your life falls apart?

I was sitting and watching Van play with his new blocks while I was trying to do one of my Bible studies. He built a HUGE tower and was so proud!! The tower stood the same height as him. Then all of a sudden the top blocks fell to the ground but the foundation stood still. Well of course my child with his God given temper got very upset and kicked the rest of the blocks down. I just watched and observed without saying a word. He started to rebuild the tower; half way through it fell again. Once again he got angry and cried and kicked the rest of the tower down.

 When that second tower fell to the ground God spoke to me! He said "every time your tower falls, do you get angry and kick? Do you turn away from me and pout? Or do you keep your foundation strong and build a bigger tower on that foundation?"

Wow! When life happens and things fall apart, what do we do? Do we just give up? Do we turn away from the blessings that God desires for us? Do we let the devil defeat us? Do we pout and blame God?


Do we stand firm in our belief that God is bigger than Satan and with God's help Satan can be defeated? Do we have faith that our God will bring us out of the dark valley? Do we look towards God for help instead of the ways of the world?

I don't know about you but I want to do the OR part! I know my God is great! He can defeat Satan! God can make things new again! God can make the tears turn into laughter! God can give you peace and hope while you walk through the dark valleys in your life! I know this because He has done that for Travis and I!! I want to look towards God for help and not to the ways of the world. I want to tell people no matter how big your problem is or how deep your depression is, God is bigger than all of it!!

A verse that has really spoke to my heart in the last few weeks is:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I pray this verse every day. I change it so it reads,  "My God of hope fill ME with all joy and peace as I trust in you God, so that I may overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit"

I heard a great saying early this morning, "When you are going through a storm in life you need to hold one arm up to praise God and the other one to wipe the tears away." I love that! What an awesome statement of faith!

I thank you God for speaking to me and reminding me of your presence in my life on a daily basis! I thank you for giving me hope and peace during these trying times in my family's life. I thank you for being there to listen to my cry. I thank you for just being you God!

With Love,

P.S. Van built another tower, but this time he made TWO huge towers!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Gifts for Landon

On Landon's due date it rained all day, just like the day I delivered him. My parents took us to lunch at Cracker Barrel. Van likes LOVES their pancakes and cheese eggs! It was raining so hard we were not able to get out at the gravesite. It gets so muddy there. Plus, Van is still kind of sick. Landon's Grandmommie and Granddaddy bought his flowers for the season and also the sweetest little lamb. The lamb says "Lamb of God". So Van & I went when it stopped raining to put his presents from Gma and Gdad there.  They look so sweet out there so I wanted to share!

I also wanted to share another sweet gift from my Dad. The day of Landon's funeral my Dad gave me two gold and diamond crosses,one for me and one for Landon. How sweet is that!! I cried of course!  It just shows how much my Dad loves me and how much he cares. There was nothing anyone could do to make the situation better, but with that gift it made it sweeter! The beautiful cross is such a sweet reminder of my precious baby and I love knowing that he is wearing one too! Here is a picture I cropped; I was holding him one last time before the funeral. Such a sweet photo to me!

The blanket you see was made by Landon's sweet Auntie Ginger. She had already started on it for his shower gift. She flew in from CA immediately after everything happened to be there for us. She finished his blanket while traveling so he would have his blankie! Also, his Granny (Travis' Mom) picked out his sweet outfit he is wearing.

I have such an amazing family! They have helped us in everyway they know how too! We are so thankful for all of them!

With Love,

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Today is the Day..January 16th...Our Due Date..

Today is a hard day. Today was to be our Due Date....what a happy day this could have been. Today resembles the day I actually delievered Landon...rainy and dark. Landon lived for only a couple of hours. Those hours were the most precious to Travis and I. I recieved his birth certificate the other day, such a bitter sweet moment. The lady at the office tried to talk to me but I could not get any words out.... the bright side on it was I got his certificate for free! Today we are taking the day to celebrate Landon. He has brought so much to our family. He has helped us depend on God like we never have before. Our faith has grown stronger and we have become closer as a family. We miss Landon so much but we know he is having a wonderful time in Heaven! So thankful we have our 2 little angels in Heaven looking over our family!

Thank you so much for everyone's kind words and thoughts! They have helped me so much. Many people forget. If you ever think of Landon or our family please leave a comment, send us a message through facebook, text, or give us a call. It feels so good when we know people are thinking of our precious angel, Landon and ourselves.

We miss you baby boy!


Thursday, January 14, 2010


My heart has grown so heavy for the people in Haiti. 80% were already living below the poverty line and now this has happened. Yesterday and this morning I have been online looking at all the news reports and also the ministries that God has placed in Haiti for His people. I found this one ministry that grabbed me. It is a rescue mission for children who are sick and suffering from severe forms of malnutrition. The pictures of these children are heart wrenching. Licia, the one who started the center, has lived over in Haiti since 1995. I do not know this woman but admire her so much. She listens to God and has to depend on God solely for help with the center. At times she doesn't know where supplies or food will come from for these children, but then she prays and always they are taken care of! What a Mighty God we serve!!

Looking at these pictures and reading these stories remind me how blessed Travis and I are. Even though we have gone through some really rough times and still are going through them. We still have more than those in Haiti. We have never gone without a meal (besides fasting), we have a healthy son, we have a roof over our head, we have transportation, we have fresh water, clean clothes and most of all we have Hope! That is what I pray for the people of Haiti, that they may have Hope and Peace during this difficult time. That God will handle the ciaos that is breaking out and that He will supply the needs of everyone!

If you want to help the people in Haiti and don't know what to are 2 options.

You can go to this link and make donations by clicking on the Donate PayPal or mail your checks to the given address. (There are so many other sites you can donate too, another one is Compassion )

Our church is also taking up donations to send through a mission group who is going over there. Items that we need are: tee shirts, jeans and shorts, flip flops, suitcases, first aid supplies, small tents, and camp stoves. If donating clothes make sure they are simple and clean, it is 80 degrees over there. If you can donate these items we need them ASAP (by this Saturday.) Please send me a message if you would like to help. I can pick up the items or tell you where to drop them off. Your help will be greatly needed!

"He who gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes (from their want) will have many a curse." Proverbs 28:27

This verse was for me. As you may know I was laid off from my job the first of Dec. then just a week ago we find out Travis' plant that he works for is being closed. So with that being said, we are trying to save as much as we can because we do not know what the future holds for us. BUT we are trusting and believing that God will supply for us and show us the path he wants us to go. So, we are giving as God as told us. Ask God how much and listen to Him. Then trust that even if you don't "think" you have it that God will provide for you because He will see your heart out of your acting of giving.

Much Love,

Here are just a few pics of the Center

These are the children sleeping outside because of the earthquake
Can you imagine this being your child?

Here is a before and after. What they do for these children is amazing!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Married Happily Ever After!

Wow! 6 years ago was one of the happiest days of our lives! We were getting married!! The day was so prefect and beautiful! We have had so many ups and downs. I wanted to do something fun, so I asked Travis why he decided I was to be his wife 6 years ago, this is what he said...I promise I am not adding or taking away anything! :)

• you were nice
• very caring
• you were pretty
• you were fun
• gorgeous eyes
• we liked the same music
• we were both in ministry
• love God
• he was shy, me not so worked
• both loved kids
• I had junk in the trunk (HA!! He said that should really be #1!)
• our first outing we jammed out to Ice Ice Baby & Baby Got Back (yes I danced! He said I won him over with my car dancing skills!! lol)
• my family accepted him ... (tattoos, piercings and all!)
• we both had similar backgrounds...testimonies

Okay so now are my reasons why I wanted him to be my hubby!

• very cute/sexy of course
• looked like a bad boy but really a big teddy bear
• love God
• very caring...will do almost anything for anybody
• kind of shy...but once you got him talking it was over!
• never changed for anyone...what you see is what you get
• a giver to God and others
• respectful
• I could be myself around him
• he liked chunky girls!! LOL
• over came addictions with God's help
• loved kids
• fun to be around
• a big kid...still is!!

So those are just some of the reasons why we wanted to be husband and wife! Now that we have been married for 6 years I could add more to that list. He has been a strong tower in everything that we have been through. He is a wonderful father. He supports me. He doesn't let things bother him like they do me, which is helpful at times. He is who he is, and sometimes I need to learn from that!

This is what Travis added to the list of post-marriage. Great mother, always there in times of need, stronger Christian given all that we have been through, loving wife, considerate of others feelings, and very strong willed. That last one I think is a compliment and negative quality; he smiled BIG when he said it!!

I just thank God for blessing us with each other! We would have not chosen the road that we have been down but I will say we are thankful for it. It has made us who we are today. We have experienced each other in ways we hope other couples will never have to experience each other. I am happy to say we love each other dearly after our long road of 6 years!

When I was given away by my wonderful Daddy!

It took two to marry us..Pastor Steve and Pastor Dwayne!

Yay! We were married!!

Happy Anniversary Baby!


PS. this song playing "How Beautiful", is the song that played while my wedding party and I walked down the isle. The beautiful Cassandra Matlock sang it so beautifully! I loved it!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Spencer Travis....2 Years Ago Today

Today, January 9th, is Spencer Travis' (his birthparents named him Tyler), 2nd birthday! I so wish things could have been different and we were the ones giving him a birthday party. I can't believe it has been 2 years! When we found out the birthmother was in labor we were so excited! We could not believe we were about to have another baby boy. Everything was ready! Nursery ready, car seat in the car, all clothes washed, all the bottles were ready, formula ready, enough diapers for triplets ready, got the double stroller, and the house was clean and ready for the little one (even adoptive moms nest). Never in my mind did I ever doubt the placement of Spencer since we already had Van(they are biological brothers). We were just waiting on the phone call to go get our new bundle of joy!

Then we got that horrible phone call the next day on the 1oth (our 4 year wedding anniversary). I had just put Van down for a nap and then the phone rang. It was our case worker, I knew when I heard her voice it was not good. I was standing at our kitchen counter and Travis was at work. She told us that things got complicated and the birthmother and the biological father decided to parent the baby boy. I couldn't hold it together on the phone with her. She prayed for us and told us to pray for Spencer, that God's Will be done. That prayer is so hard when you know you may not get what you want. In this situation it was not God's Will. I had to call Travis at work and tell him, he came home immediately. Our hearts and to be honest our spirits were broken. Then we had to call the rest of the family. We went from such happiness to such sadness in 2 days. Our lives were changed. At that time, I never knew that would be our first of many losses.

We kept the car seat in the car for several days. Neither of us had the courage to take it out, plus we were hoping God would change her mind. It was so hard putting all of Spencer's stuff up. I did it in stages. The last thing that came down was the pack-n-play in our bedroom. I waited for about 2 weeks to take it down. We shut the door to the nursery and didn't go back in for months. It was an awful reminder. It's been 2 years, 3 babies and the nursery is still empty. That is so hard.

We pray every day for Spencer (Tyler). I still pray that she may call. That would be my wish for myself and also for Van.

Coming from a mom who has lost a baby through adoption and also lost babies through pregnancy loss, the emotional hurt is about the same. You long for that baby the same. There is an emptiness that cannot be filled. The only thing different, I know Landon and Patrick are safe, they are with the best Father ever, Our Heavenly Father. With Spencer we have no clue and may never know. We pray that he is! Our doors and hearts will always be open for Spencer!! We will always love him!

Happy 2nd Birthday Spencer!!

With God's love,