Today, January 9th, is Spencer Travis' (his birthparents named him Tyler), 2nd birthday! I so wish things could have been different and we were the ones giving him a birthday party. I can't believe it has been 2 years! When we found out the birthmother was in labor we were so excited! We could not believe we were about to have another baby boy. Everything was ready! Nursery ready, car seat in the car, all clothes washed, all the bottles were ready, formula ready, enough diapers for triplets ready, got the double stroller, and the house was clean and ready for the little one (even adoptive moms nest). Never in my mind did I ever doubt the placement of Spencer since we already had Van(they are biological brothers). We were just waiting on the phone call to go get our new bundle of joy!
Then we got that horrible phone call the next day on the 1oth (our 4 year wedding anniversary). I had just put Van down for a nap and then the phone rang. It was our case worker, I knew when I heard her voice it was not good. I was standing at our kitchen counter and Travis was at work. She told us that things got complicated and the birthmother and the biological father decided to parent the baby boy. I couldn't hold it together on the phone with her. She prayed for us and told us to pray for Spencer, that God's Will be done. That prayer is so hard when you know you may not get what you want. In this situation it was not God's Will. I had to call Travis at work and tell him, he came home immediately. Our hearts and to be honest our spirits were broken. Then we had to call the rest of the family. We went from such happiness to such sadness in 2 days. Our lives were changed. At that time, I never knew that would be our first of many losses.
We kept the car seat in the car for several days. Neither of us had the courage to take it out, plus we were hoping God would change her mind. It was so hard putting all of Spencer's stuff up. I did it in stages. The last thing that came down was the pack-n-play in our bedroom. I waited for about 2 weeks to take it down. We shut the door to the nursery and didn't go back in for months. It was an awful reminder. It's been 2 years, 3 babies and the nursery is still empty. That is so hard.
We pray every day for Spencer (Tyler). I still pray that she may call. That would be my wish for myself and also for Van.
Coming from a mom who has lost a baby through adoption and also lost babies through pregnancy loss, the emotional hurt is about the same. You long for that baby the same. There is an emptiness that cannot be filled. The only thing different, I know Landon and Patrick are safe, they are with the best Father ever, Our Heavenly Father. With Spencer we have no clue and may never know. We pray that he is! Our doors and hearts will always be open for Spencer!! We will always love him!
Happy 2nd Birthday Spencer!!
With God's love,
On Giving Thanks in the Thick of It
2 years ago