Pumpkins

Today Van and I went and got a pumpkin for Landon. On the way to the pumpkin patch Van and I were talking in the car. It amazes me how kids understand and perceive things.

When everything happened Travis and I weren't to sure on how we were going to incorporate Van in all this. We didn't want to scare him but we really wanted him to know about his baby brother. We prayed over Van and asked God to protect him during all of this. And God has. He has given Van such a sweet spirit of understanding about Landon. Van is going to think it is normal having a baby brother angel in Heaven looking down!

Growing up I remember my parents trying to shield me on the topic of death, but in our household it is very real and around us. I look at death in a whole new outlook. It truly is a glorious event! It is another stage in life, for a Christian it is the best stage of life! We get to meet our Heavenly Father! Our Creator! The One who knew us before we were in our mother's womb! How amazing! The place that we all want to be and I already have 2 babies there! I have pieces of me in Heaven! Landon and Patrick have the best Father ever now. They got to by pass this fallen world and go to the most high place! This amazing knowledge does not make the pain any easier or the feeling of loss any less, but it does give me peace.

Back to the car and pumpkins! Van was very excited just to get a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. I was telling him how I wanted to put Landon's name on his pumpkin. Then Van asked "how are we going to give Landon the pumpkin?" I told Van we are going to put it on his grave and Landon can look down from Heaven and see it. Then Van replied "oh, that is why we have to put his name on it, so he can see it!"

At the patch we picked out Landon's, then Van wanted a real small pumpkin that he could carry. When we got to the grave site, I asked Van if he wanted to keep his pumpkin or leave it on the grave. He said he wanted to leave it for his brother. Van never said a name. When I took the picture of Van with the pumpkins it hit me! This picture is a representation of my 3 babies! There was Van, our little unnamed miracle (until recently, Patrick), and then Landon! I love that picture! To someone else it is just a picture of Van with pumpkins, but to me it is my life!

The last thing Van asked me was, " can we go to Jesus and give Landon the pumpkin?" My reply was," no not yet, someday we will be able too."

The Day it all Happened!

First of all I want to thank everyone who has been praying for us during this long journey of creating our forever family! As a little girl I would have never thought this was all in my future. God has blessed me with a wonderful and God-loving husband. Without our unconditional love for God and one another I don't know where we would be!

The events that happened the day Landon Thomas was born is a mystery to some of you.

How is started:

I woke up on September 17th not feeling the greatest. Travis was already at work by 6am. So it was Van and I. I got him ready for school. I just blew off the uncomfortable ness to just being pregnant. I called Travis at work and told him how I was feeling. I made the comment I didn't know whether or not to call the doctor. It was a weird pain and some other stuff that I am not discussing on here! All I could think of was I needed to get Van from school. I had some time to kill so I went to Old Navy and bought Landon some really cute outfits. I was looking for a cute go home outfit. Never would have thought that was the day I was meeting our Sweet Landon. Through out the day I noticed a pattern of my pain. That is when I called the doctor. It was almost 12pm and they told me to come in at 1:50pm. So I proceeded with my day and got Van from school. I was heading to McDonald's to get him a quick lunch in the car on the way to Macon. My friend Carolyn called and that is when I finally said it out loud of what I thought I was having- Contractions! I started to cry. Van was in the car so I had to be strong. I called Travis and told him to meet me at the doctors. I could not find my mom or Travis' mom at the time. I didn't want to worry anyone; I was hoping it was a false alarm. My pain was getting very strong and I remember bracing the steering wheel during each contraction. I know God was with Van and I in that car! Finally my Dad was able to reach my Mom and they meet us at the doctors. I went back after a little while. (I look back on that day and can't believe how calm I was!)

This part gets hard for me, I am writing this with tears, many tears.

When we got to the back, the nurse made a comment on how I did not look good. I told her I was in a lot of pain...timed pain! They immediately got Dr. Carlton. He checked me and his face said it all. He told us that I was dilated. To be honest the next 10-20 minuets was a blur to me. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor and I could hear Landon's heartbeat going so strong! It was still 145! Everyone started moving very fast. Dr. Carlton started to explain everything. Again, everyone's face said it all. I don't know if I couldn't understand him because of my thoughts running wild or I just didn't want to understand him. Travis had to go tell my parents what was going on. Can you imagine having to repeat all that about your unborn son, while staying strong in front of your older son. Thank you hubby for being so strong!

Dr. Body (a high risk pregnancy doctor) was meeting us once we got to Labor and Delivery to try a procedure to save our precious Landon. He was going to do a procedure that removes fluid, trying to prevent my water from breaking. I arrived at L&D by ambulance because I could not stand, sit or anything. I had to stay very still. During all this I was having very painful and close together contractions. I heard Dr. Body's voice. That is when it happened. My water broke. Along with my water my heart broke! I lost it! I knew there was no help now; Landon was coming into this world.

I had so many thoughts going through my head. I was in pain. Everything happened so fast there was no time for pain meds. The part that breaks my heart the most and I will always think about is I could feel my precious Landon kicking during the birthing process. Everyone was telling me to push and I wanted to yell "NO!" I was not ready to push him out into this world. He was not ready. I just was not ready!

When Landon came out, it was bitter sweet. Everyone drew quite. I was praying the whole time there would be a miracle and I would hear my baby cry. I waited...there was no cry. I could hear whispers. He had a heartbeat...it was only 60. Landon was able to take 1 breath. Teresa, Travis and my Mom began to pray. I could hear their prayers. I know God heard their prayers also but it was not in His Will the Landon Thomas would live.

We held Landon minuets after the birth. He was so beautiful! What a miracle God gave us, even though we can't have him for a lifetime on earth. Landon will always be our miracle in Heaven! We are not sure when his heart stopped but I know it was in my arms! That was my first and only moment with him. So different then other mother's first.

We were able to hold him for hours. We were blessed to have my sister-in-law working at the time. In which she had a camera. Such a blessing! I will cherish every photo I have of Landon. That is all we have to hold onto physically.

The first few pictures we did not smile. It was so hard. But then I made a comment to Travis that we really needed to smile because Landon was a miracle! He was sent from God for a purpose, he was not a mistake. Neither were the events that happened a mistake. One of the biggest miracles was I had been pregnant and delivered a baby! I thank God for that experience, something I never thought I would get to do.

Family and friends came to see our precious Landon and us. It was so bitter sweet. We were proud but profoundly sad. My Grandma was the first to rock Landon and sing to him. What an amazing site! Then my Mom, Travis' mom, and Travis rocked our precious son. After several hours I was able to get up and rock him as well! It was such a sweet moment. Looking at what Travis and I created through our love for one another! And God allowed it to happen! Praise God!