Our Forever Family: I Need You

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I Need You

I need you
I need you when my mind is consumed of thoughts of Landon.
I need you when I think I could have done something different "that" day.
I need you when I blame myself.
I need you when I think if Landon had just a week or two more in my womb.
I need you when I think of the delivery.
I need you when I long to feel my baby kick.
I need you when I think of how I could not protect my baby.
I need you when I long to hold him.
I need you when I daydream of Van and Landon playing.
I need you when I wish there were two car seats in the car.
I need you when I get asked "how are you doing?"
I need you when I have to find the words to answer.
I need you when I put on a happy face when deep inside I want to scream & cry.
I need you when I cry so hard I can not see.
I need you when I am alone in my car.
I need you when I want someone to talk too.
I need you when I want to be alone.
I need you when I don't understand.
I need you when I can't find the way to move on.
I need you when I don't want to get out of bed.
I need you when I feel so empty.
I need you when I feel so lost.
I need you when I get mad.
I need you when I get asked "how many children do you have?"
I need you when I see their faces when I respond.
I need you when someone says the wrong thing.
I need you when someone says nothing.
I need yon when I am at work.
I need you when I walk into his nursery.
I need you when I go to his grave.
I need you when I think of the future.
I need you when I think of all the losses.
I need you when people do not understand how great is our loss.
I need you when I can't sleep.
I need you when I remember my sweet baby's face.
Lord I just need you to be....to be with me.

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The Journey!

I have been married 7 years to my best friend and the love of my life!! We started trying for a family soon after marriage, but to our dismay things were not going as we planned. We went down the fertility road for about 2 ½ -3 years. Then we turned to Adoption to plan for our forever family! This is how our journey begins with our boys! We got the phone call November the 8th, 2007 and to our surprise we were chosen by a Birthmother to parent her 2 boys!! Our first son, Van Ericson, came home to us November 12th, 2007 when he was 14 months old! I cannot begin tell you how excited and in awe we were to finally have a family! Van is our first miracle! He just turned 3 years old September the 9th. On January the 9th, 2008 our second son, Spencer Travis, was born. We got a phone call the day before we were going to bring him home telling us his Birthmother decided to parent him. Our hearts were extremely broken! For a very long time afterwards I found myself waiting for a phone call telling us to come pick up Spencer. I am still hoping to this day we get that phone call! In late January 2009, Travis and I decided to put our paperwork in for the 2nd adoption. Then a miracle happened! I was pregnant!! I was pretty far along when we found out. Due to my conditions I had nothing to go by to tell me I was pregnant except God telling me to take a test! We were shocked and so excited! Then everything started going wrong. I started to bleed, but to our surprise our baby seemed to be ok. Two days after seeing the doctor and being reassured everything seemed to be good, it happened. I started to miscarry. The miscarriage was a horrible experience in so many ways. We tried making it to the hospital but I lost too much blood and started passing out. The ambulance had to take me the rest of the way. We lost our precious baby around 1 am March 18th, 2009 at 17 weeks. About 2 months later I became pregnant AGAIN! Another miracle! My pregnancy was going perfect! I had no bleeding and nothing major to be concerned about. But to our dismay our 4th child did not make it to term. I went into pre-term labor. Our precious son Landon Thomas was born September 17, 2009 at 4:51pm. He was 24 weeks gestation. He was so early and could not make it on his own. Landon was 1 lb 2 oz, 11 ½ inches long. He went to be with Jesus that same day. We miss him so much and not a moment goes by that we don't think of him. What we would give to hold him one more time! Landon will be forever missed! Then in April of 2010 we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! Another Miracle! I was on bedrest for almost my entire pregnancy, a cerclage was placed and I had weekly doctor visits and shots. Our little GIRL, Eva Faith arrived safe and healthy December 3rd 2010!! A week after given birth to my daughter I had to be admitted back into the hospital with breathing problems.I had to be placed on the ventilator. My family was told I wasn't going to survive and if I did it would be a very long recovery. Well my GOD is bigger and He healed me and I was albe to be home for Eva's first Christmas!!This is not the journey that Travis and I would have chosen for ourselves but God has given us this journey and we are trying to learn from it everyday! In the beginning we would ask the question “Why God?” but now our question has changed to “what purpose God?” (To know more about the day Landon went to be with Jesus click below on 10/28/09- The Day it Happened.)