Monday, December 28, 2009

Confessions of a Broken Heart

I had to take a break from the blog for alittle bit. I wanted to write, but I have had so many different emotions that I wasn't sure what to write.

Thanksgiving was really hard. It was good to be around our family and see everyone happy, but to be honest I was dying inside. I am truly grateful for all the blessings God has given me and I thank Him everyday for those. I don't know what I would do without my husband and my precious Van. Van has been such an angel given to our family and has helped me beyond belief. He is the reason I get out of bed, the reason I continue to be strong and not just totally shut down or give up. But I am human and I hurt and long for the things I do not have, and those are my children.

When you become pregnant you have an instant bond with the creation growing inside you. You have hopes and dreams for this child. You think about who they will look like and who they will act like. What is their favorite color, toy, blanket, song and bedtime story. These hopes and dreams have been crushed for me three times. It doesn't get easier, it only gets harder. After each loss all the pain and hurt from the others come rushing back.

For people who have lost ones they love, the holidays are just a big reminder that they are not here. I have several ways my family could have been this holiday. I could have an almost 2 year old little boy running around with my 3 year old. Or I would have a 2 month old along with my 3 year old. Or happily expecting sweet Landon in a couple of weeks. Everyone told me I would be having him around Christmas. Christmas is here and I do not have my Landon. I miss him so much and this emptiness will not go away. I seriously thought after a few months the pain would get alittle easier but it hasn't. Somedays I feel I am starting over in my grieving process. Here lately I have been mad about it, then I go to being just deeply sad. Grieving is hard and draining.

What was to be my due date with Landon is fast approaching. I am dreading it to be honest. It's just another big reminder that he is not here and will not be here. I just wish this was all a bad dream. My heart aches for him and I can't fix it. Some people say well at least you have Van. We are so very thankful for Van and love him to death but we want all of our sons! What we have gone through is not something we will get over in a few months, this is a lifetime pain. But I know it will get easier over the years. I am no where near the easier part.

With God's grace and love I am making it!


  1. Thank you for your last comment. It touched me and gives me a little hope that no Im not alone in my feelings. Yes it is a blessing to have your son but no in no way is he able to fill the void left by your other babies, and i think thats cruel for someone to suggest so. Im sure they didnt mean it that way though. Ill be praying for you for a peaceful EDD. *HUGS*

  2. Sometimes I feel like it's the day we lost our baby girl all over again, the hurt is so real and so raw. How is it possible that months later it can still hit me so hard it knocks the breath out of me and sends me to my knees?? It isn't fair. I don't want all this sadness to belong to me, but I have come to understand that it's mine forever. It isn't something that we ever "get over", it's a burden we carry our entire lives.