Our Forever Family: Confessions of a Broken Heart

Monday, December 28, 2009

Confessions of a Broken Heart

I had to take a break from the blog for alittle bit. I wanted to write, but I have had so many different emotions that I wasn't sure what to write.

Thanksgiving was really hard. It was good to be around our family and see everyone happy, but to be honest I was dying inside. I am truly grateful for all the blessings God has given me and I thank Him everyday for those. I don't know what I would do without my husband and my precious Van. Van has been such an angel given to our family and has helped me beyond belief. He is the reason I get out of bed, the reason I continue to be strong and not just totally shut down or give up. But I am human and I hurt and long for the things I do not have, and those are my children.

When you become pregnant you have an instant bond with the creation growing inside you. You have hopes and dreams for this child. You think about who they will look like and who they will act like. What is their favorite color, toy, blanket, song and bedtime story. These hopes and dreams have been crushed for me three times. It doesn't get easier, it only gets harder. After each loss all the pain and hurt from the others come rushing back.

For people who have lost ones they love, the holidays are just a big reminder that they are not here. I have several ways my family could have been this holiday. I could have an almost 2 year old little boy running around with my 3 year old. Or I would have a 2 month old along with my 3 year old. Or happily expecting sweet Landon in a couple of weeks. Everyone told me I would be having him around Christmas. Christmas is here and I do not have my Landon. I miss him so much and this emptiness will not go away. I seriously thought after a few months the pain would get alittle easier but it hasn't. Somedays I feel I am starting over in my grieving process. Here lately I have been mad about it, then I go to being just deeply sad. Grieving is hard and draining.

What was to be my due date with Landon is fast approaching. I am dreading it to be honest. It's just another big reminder that he is not here and will not be here. I just wish this was all a bad dream. My heart aches for him and I can't fix it. Some people say well at least you have Van. We are so very thankful for Van and love him to death but we want all of our sons! What we have gone through is not something we will get over in a few months, this is a lifetime pain. But I know it will get easier over the years. I am no where near the easier part.

With God's grace and love I am making it!

2 comments:

The Blue SparrowDecember 28, 2009 at 8:12 PM
Thank you for your last comment. It touched me and gives me a little hope that no Im not alone in my feelings. Yes it is a blessing to have your son but no in no way is he able to fill the void left by your other babies, and i think thats cruel for someone to suggest so. Im sure they didnt mean it that way though. Ill be praying for you for a peaceful EDD. *HUGS*
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LeaJanuary 7, 2010 at 7:03 AM
Sometimes I feel like it's the day we lost our baby girl all over again, the hurt is so real and so raw. How is it possible that months later it can still hit me so hard it knocks the breath out of me and sends me to my knees?? It isn't fair. I don't want all this sadness to belong to me, but I have come to understand that it's mine forever. It isn't something that we ever "get over", it's a burden we carry our entire lives.
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The Journey!

I have been married 7 years to my best friend and the love of my life!! We started trying for a family soon after marriage, but to our dismay things were not going as we planned. We went down the fertility road for about 2 ½ -3 years. Then we turned to Adoption to plan for our forever family! This is how our journey begins with our boys! We got the phone call November the 8th, 2007 and to our surprise we were chosen by a Birthmother to parent her 2 boys!! Our first son, Van Ericson, came home to us November 12th, 2007 when he was 14 months old! I cannot begin tell you how excited and in awe we were to finally have a family! Van is our first miracle! He just turned 3 years old September the 9th. On January the 9th, 2008 our second son, Spencer Travis, was born. We got a phone call the day before we were going to bring him home telling us his Birthmother decided to parent him. Our hearts were extremely broken! For a very long time afterwards I found myself waiting for a phone call telling us to come pick up Spencer. I am still hoping to this day we get that phone call! In late January 2009, Travis and I decided to put our paperwork in for the 2nd adoption. Then a miracle happened! I was pregnant!! I was pretty far along when we found out. Due to my conditions I had nothing to go by to tell me I was pregnant except God telling me to take a test! We were shocked and so excited! Then everything started going wrong. I started to bleed, but to our surprise our baby seemed to be ok. Two days after seeing the doctor and being reassured everything seemed to be good, it happened. I started to miscarry. The miscarriage was a horrible experience in so many ways. We tried making it to the hospital but I lost too much blood and started passing out. The ambulance had to take me the rest of the way. We lost our precious baby around 1 am March 18th, 2009 at 17 weeks. About 2 months later I became pregnant AGAIN! Another miracle! My pregnancy was going perfect! I had no bleeding and nothing major to be concerned about. But to our dismay our 4th child did not make it to term. I went into pre-term labor. Our precious son Landon Thomas was born September 17, 2009 at 4:51pm. He was 24 weeks gestation. He was so early and could not make it on his own. Landon was 1 lb 2 oz, 11 ½ inches long. He went to be with Jesus that same day. We miss him so much and not a moment goes by that we don't think of him. What we would give to hold him one more time! Landon will be forever missed! Then in April of 2010 we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! Another Miracle! I was on bedrest for almost my entire pregnancy, a cerclage was placed and I had weekly doctor visits and shots. Our little GIRL, Eva Faith arrived safe and healthy December 3rd 2010!! A week after given birth to my daughter I had to be admitted back into the hospital with breathing problems.I had to be placed on the ventilator. My family was told I wasn't going to survive and if I did it would be a very long recovery. Well my GOD is bigger and He healed me and I was albe to be home for Eva's first Christmas!!This is not the journey that Travis and I would have chosen for ourselves but God has given us this journey and we are trying to learn from it everyday! In the beginning we would ask the question “Why God?” but now our question has changed to “what purpose God?” (To know more about the day Landon went to be with Jesus click below on 10/28/09- The Day it Happened.)