Tuesday, November 17, 2009

2 Months!

Dear Landon,

You are 2 months old today in Heaven! I always wonder what your days are filled with. Are you running and playing with all the other angel babies, having story time with Jesus, watching us from up above, spending time with your great grandparents or uncle Eric, or are you having a blast with your big brother or sister. I know you are in a better place but the place I long for you to be is in my arms! It has got a little easier but not much. God has given me peace and hope for the future but that doesn't take away the fact my heart still breaks and longs for you. Some may have already forgot you and some do not even acknowledge your existence. That breaks my heart! You were and are our son forever! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much Landon! If you were here I would take your picture with a cute sign or blocks saying 2 months! If I had my way you would still be in my belly and I would be 33 weeks happily pregnant! The holidays are fast approaching. I am going to be happy sad. Happy and blessed I have your big brother and deeply sad we don't have you. Have a happy 2 months in Heaven. We will be there one day to celebrate with you! We miss you!

Mommy, Daddy and Big Bro Van

A poem I found and loved.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Before we said our first hello,
The time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I had gone to heaven to rest.

I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
And I watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep.

But mommy & daddy when you are sad,
Please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
It will only continue to grow.

When you are feeling far away,
And missing me so much.
Close your eyes and feel my wings,
Their soft and gentle touch.

Or at night as you sleep,
I will join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you.
And we’ll be lost within my wings.

So my dear mommy and daddy,
As you go from day to day,
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I am never that far away.

Angel Whispers

Monday, November 16, 2009

2 Years Ago!

The past 2 years of Van Ericson!

Two years ago on November 12th we got the best gift God could give us...Van Ericson Albert!!! I remember the first few weeks like it was yesterday. Travis and I were on cloud 9!!! We got the phone call on Nov. 5th letting us know a Birthmother chose us! How amazing that a women chose us to parent her child for life!! These Birthmothers are so brave and strong!

It was around 10pm on the Monday night that we got "The Call." Travis and I were sitting on the couch very close talking to our caseworker on speakerphone. Then she told us the news!!!!! We were so excited!! We cried, laughed and just were in shock! After a very long 3 1/2 years of disappointments our dreams of having a family were coming true! She told us about our future son for about an hour. The whole time I could not believe this was "THE call" we were waiting on!! We hung up with her and cried and hugged for about 30 min. Then it was time to let the rest of our family know! Those were the best phone calls!!! Everyone cried and was so excited! My parents were out of the country so we had to call them the next day! I could barely talk when I told people. I'm such a crybaby sometimes! But this time they were tears of pure joy!!

We meet our precious little boy on the following Friday. I have never been so nervous and scared to meet a baby! I cried on our way to Macon because I just could not believe we were becoming parents! We got to Covenant Care and had to wait in a room upstairs. We sat in silence. No words could come out! Then...it was time to meet our SON!! We walked into the room and there he was.... I fell in love!!!! I knew it was the same love a mother would have for a biological child in the first few moments. The kind that is unconditional. He was the cutest little boy! First I noticed his beautiful blue eyes. Then his pretty skin and he had the sweetest smile. We sat in the floor and he came right to us. We sat and played for a few minutes. We also had to talk business while we were in there with the wonderful caseworkers. I had to keep focusing! I could not stop staring and thinking of him!

Meeting our son for the first time!!

The next part was the greatest, hardest and most nerve wrecking! We meet Van's Birthmother! What do you say to this woman who is blessing you with the greatest gift of all!!! This stranger that I have never meet chose US! That still amazes me to this day! We are forever grateful!!!

We stayed and played with him for about 2 hours. Our time was amazing!! It was so hard to leave him there and not take him with us that day. So I did the next best thing! We SHOPPED for him!!! We had prepared for a newborn but God had a better plan. Van was a very cute and full of energy 14 month old!! We did not have anything for a 14 month old! So Ginger (my sister), Grace, and I went to target and shopped like maniacs!! We were grabbing everything cute (which was a lot)! It was so much fun and such a time of happiness! Everyone was looking at us funny. We had 2 buggies FULL!!

On Monday the 12th we brought our son home!!! We drove once again to Covenant Care and once again I was crying on the way. I could not believe this was all happening. It was the best feeling putting our son in the car seat and driving towards home. I rode in the back with him. He fell asleep because it was a very long and busy day for him. I just cried tears of joy while watching him sleep. He was beautiful and God gave him to us!

All the grandparents were waiting on his arrival! They were meeting their grandson for the first time! He stole their hearts like he did ours!! That night more family and close friends came to meet him. It was so much fun to show him off! That night Travis went and rocked Van to sleep. The moment was so special in everyway! Travis cried like a baby. It was so sweet! Daddy was hooked! We all were!

Sleeping in his bed for the first time!

This is how Daddy slept the first night!!

Van has brought so much meaning to our lives! He is truly a huggable reminder of God's unfailing love!! Adoption has blessed our family in so many ways. Adoption is truly amazing!

P.S. Thank you God for letting him look like his Mommy! That is just an added perk!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I Need You

I need you
I need you when my mind is consumed of thoughts of Landon.
I need you when I think I could have done something different "that" day.
I need you when I blame myself.
I need you when I think if Landon had just a week or two more in my womb.
I need you when I think of the delivery.
I need you when I long to feel my baby kick.
I need you when I think of how I could not protect my baby.
I need you when I long to hold him.
I need you when I daydream of Van and Landon playing.
I need you when I wish there were two car seats in the car.
I need you when I get asked "how are you doing?"
I need you when I have to find the words to answer.
I need you when I put on a happy face when deep inside I want to scream & cry.
I need you when I cry so hard I can not see.
I need you when I am alone in my car.
I need you when I want someone to talk too.
I need you when I want to be alone.
I need you when I don't understand.
I need you when I can't find the way to move on.
I need you when I don't want to get out of bed.
I need you when I feel so empty.
I need you when I feel so lost.
I need you when I get mad.
I need you when I get asked "how many children do you have?"
I need you when I see their faces when I respond.
I need you when someone says the wrong thing.
I need you when someone says nothing.
I need yon when I am at work.
I need you when I walk into his nursery.
I need you when I go to his grave.
I need you when I think of the future.
I need you when I think of all the losses.
I need you when people do not understand how great is our loss.
I need you when I can't sleep.
I need you when I remember my sweet baby's face.
Lord I just need you to be....to be with me.

Friday, November 6, 2009


My best friend Crystal sent this poem to me. I love it! It means so much and says everything! Thank you Crystal!

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in His keeping,
We have you in our hearts.
A million times we’ve wanted you.
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
You never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn’t go alone.
For apart of us went with you…
The day God called you Home.
In loving Memory of Landon.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Marked in Stone

We got the phone call that Landon's burial plot was in on Tuesday. I had to have surgery that day so we waited to see it today. (I had to have surgery due to my body not healing correctly after having Landon.)

I thought of this day a lot. It seems as the final process of the funeral. But to our dismay the burial plot is wrong. They left off the angel in the lower corner and the sparrow at the top. I was upset due to it being wrong and then seeing my baby's name in stone.

When we found out we were having a boy, Travis and I spent long nights in the dark talking about what we were going to name our new little boy. We included friends and family on the name quest. Once we would come up with a "possible" name I would write the monogram down and see what it would look like. Several did not pass the monogram test! We picked Landon's name out because we both loved the name and it went well with my Daddy's name! Yes, I am a Daddy's girl! So we came up with Landon Thomas. We never got to see his monogram on anything, except for the paper I scribbled on. Never thought the next time I would see my baby's name would be on his burial plot.

It is so heart breaking in every way. I don't have any other words to describe the feeling.

They are replacing the plot but it will take another 4-6 weeks. It is still beautiful because it is my son's resting place. I have spent many hours on many days out there. It brings peace and comfort knowing that is our special place.

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