Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas Card

I had not been looking forward to Christmas, for the obvious reasons.One of them is I didn't want to send out cards, mostly because I didn't know what to put on them.I knew the time was coming and I had to decide. If you know me this is something I love doing. It's so much fun sending and receiving Christmas cards. I love comparing them from the year before and seeing how the family has changed or grown. Our family has changed so much in this past year and has grown. So I didn't really know what or how I was going to do the card. I prayed about it. Then I came up with an idea. I thought it was a great idea but I knew it would make some people uncomfortable. So I prayed again. I talked to our photographer, Jenny at http://www.jennyevelynphoto.com/ , and she agreed to do the photo. When we were taking the photo I still wasn't sure I was going to use it. Jenny emailed me the photos and I loved them. I cried. I cried tears of saddness, that this was even my reality and then tears of happiness, that I finally have a family photo. These pictures mean so much to Travis and I . I sat late at night online making our cards. When it was time to send them to be printed, I hesitated. I just wasn't sure.

Our cards didn't go out until the week of Christmas. Delayed by days and hours because of worry over how Landon's photo on the cards might be received. I think sometimes I worry too much about whether or not my grief is convenient or uncomfortable for other people. I sent the cards despite my fear. This is our family and this is our reality. I love them. I just hope the ones that received them saw an angel and not just our baby that has passed.

Here are the pictuers that were on our card...Our First Family Photo!!

My Boys, Van Ericson & Landon Thomas

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and I am looking forward to the New Year! I believe God's blessings are going to flow on our family and many more!

With love from Travis, Melissa, Van & our sweet Angel in Heaven Landon Thomas

Monday, December 28, 2009

Confessions of a Broken Heart

I had to take a break from the blog for alittle bit. I wanted to write, but I have had so many different emotions that I wasn't sure what to write.

Thanksgiving was really hard. It was good to be around our family and see everyone happy, but to be honest I was dying inside. I am truly grateful for all the blessings God has given me and I thank Him everyday for those. I don't know what I would do without my husband and my precious Van. Van has been such an angel given to our family and has helped me beyond belief. He is the reason I get out of bed, the reason I continue to be strong and not just totally shut down or give up. But I am human and I hurt and long for the things I do not have, and those are my children.

When you become pregnant you have an instant bond with the creation growing inside you. You have hopes and dreams for this child. You think about who they will look like and who they will act like. What is their favorite color, toy, blanket, song and bedtime story. These hopes and dreams have been crushed for me three times. It doesn't get easier, it only gets harder. After each loss all the pain and hurt from the others come rushing back.

For people who have lost ones they love, the holidays are just a big reminder that they are not here. I have several ways my family could have been this holiday. I could have an almost 2 year old little boy running around with my 3 year old. Or I would have a 2 month old along with my 3 year old. Or happily expecting sweet Landon in a couple of weeks. Everyone told me I would be having him around Christmas. Christmas is here and I do not have my Landon. I miss him so much and this emptiness will not go away. I seriously thought after a few months the pain would get alittle easier but it hasn't. Somedays I feel I am starting over in my grieving process. Here lately I have been mad about it, then I go to being just deeply sad. Grieving is hard and draining.

What was to be my due date with Landon is fast approaching. I am dreading it to be honest. It's just another big reminder that he is not here and will not be here. I just wish this was all a bad dream. My heart aches for him and I can't fix it. Some people say well at least you have Van. We are so very thankful for Van and love him to death but we want all of our sons! What we have gone through is not something we will get over in a few months, this is a lifetime pain. But I know it will get easier over the years. I am no where near the easier part.

With God's grace and love I am making it!